The Rainbow-虹(英文版)-第34部分

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She　became　aware　that　he　was　trying　to　force　his　will　upon
her；　something；　there　was　something　he　wanted；　as　he　lay　there
dark　and　tense。　And　her　soul　sighed　in　weariness。

Everything　was　so　vague　and　lovely；　and　he　wanted　to　wake　her
up　to　the　hard；　hostile　reality。　She　drew　back　in　resistance。
Still　he　said　nothing。　But　she　felt　his　power　persisting　on　her；
till　she　became　aware　of　the　strain；　she　cried　out　against　the
exhaustion。　He　was　forcing　her；　he　was　forcing　her。　And　she
wanted　so　much　the　joy　and　the　vagueness　and　the　innocence　of
her　pregnancy。　She　did　not　want　his　bittercorrosive　love；　she
did　not　want　it　poured　into　her；　to　burn　her。　Why　must　she　have
it？　Why；　oh；　why　was　he　not　content；　contained？

She　sat　many　hours　by　the　window；　in　those　days　when　he　drove
her　most　with　the　black　constraint　of　his　will；　and　she　watched
the　rain　falling　on　the　yew　trees。　She　was　not　sad；　only
wistful；　blanched。　The　child　under　her　heart　was　a　perpetual
warmth。　And　she　was　sure。　The　pressure　was　only　upon　her　from
the　outside；　her　soul　had　no　stripes。

Yet　in　her　heart　itself　was　always　this　same　strain；　tense；
anxious。　She　was　not　safe；　she　was　always　exposed；　she　was
always　attacked。　There　was　a　yearning　in　her　for　a　fulness　of
peace　and　blessedness。　What　a　heavy　yearning　it　wasso
heavy。

She　knew；　vaguely；　that　all　the　time　he　was　not　satisfied；
all　the　time　he　was　trying　to　force　something　from　her。　Ah；　how
she　wished　she　could　succeed　with　him；　in　her　own　way！　He　was
there；　so　inevitable。　She　lived　in　him　also。　And　how　she　wanted
to　be　at　peace　with　him；　at　peace。　She　loved　him。　She　would　give
him　love；　pure　love。　With　a　strange；　rapt　look　in　her　face；　she
awaited　his　homeing　that　night。

Then；　when　he　came；　she　rose　with　her　hands　full　of　love；　as
of　flowers；　radiant；　innocent。　A　dark　spasm　crossed　his　face。　As
she　watched；　her　face　shining　and　flowerlike　with　innocent
love；　his　face　grew　dark　and　tense；　the　cruelty　gathered　in　his
brows；　his　eyes　turned　aside；　she　saw　the　whites　of　his　eyes　as
he　looked　aside　from　her。　She　waited；　touching　him　with　her
hands。　But　from　his　body　through　her　hands　came　the
bittercorrosive　shock　of　his　passion　upon　her；　destroying　her
in　blossom。　She　shrank。　She　rose　from　her　knees　and　went　away
from　him；　to　preserve　herself。　And　it　was　great　pain　to　her。

To　him　also　it　was　agony。　He　saw　the　glistening；　flowerlike
love　in　her　face；　and　his　heart　was　black　because　he　did　not
want　it。　Not　thisnot　this。　He　did　not　want　flowery
innocence。　He　was　unsatisfied。　The　rage　and　storm　of
unsatisfaction　tormented　him　ceaselessly。　Why　had　she　not
satisfied　him？　He　had　satisfied　her。　She　was　satisfied；　at
peace；　innocent　round　the　doors　of　her　own　paradise。

And　he　was　unsatisfied；　unfulfilled；　he　raged　in　torment；
wanting；　wanting。　It　was　for　her　to　satisfy　him：　then　let　her　do
it。　Let　her　not　e　with　flowery　handfuls　of　innocent　love。　He
would　throw　these　aside　and　trample　the　flowers　to　nothing。　He
would　destroy　her　flowery；　innocent　bliss。　Was　he　not　entitled
to　satisfaction　from　her；　and　was　not　his　heart　all　raging
desire；　his　soul　a　black　torment　of　unfulfilment。　Let　it　be
fulfilled　in　him；　then；　as　it　was　fulfilled　in　her。　He　had　given
her　her　fulfilment。　Let　her　rise　up　and　do　her　part。

He　was　cruel　to　her。　But　all　the　time　he　was　ashamed。　And
being　ashamed；　he　was　more　cruel。　For　he　was　ashamed　that　he
could　not　e　to　fulfilment　without　her。　And　he　could　not。　And
she　would　not　heed　him。　He　was　shackled　and　in　darkness　of
torment。

She　beseeched　him　to　work　again；　to　do　his　woodcarving。　But
his　soul　was　too　black。　He　had　destroyed　his　panel　of　Adam　and
Eve。　He　could　not　begin　again；　least　of　all　now；　whilst　he　was
in　this　condition。

For　her　there　was　no　final　release；　since　he　could　not　be
liberated　from　himself。　Strange　and　amorphous；　she　must　go
yearning　on　through　the　trouble；　like　a　warm；　glowing　cloud
blown　in　the　middle　of　a　storm。　She　felt　so　rich；　in　her　warm
vagueness；　that　her　soul　cried　out　on　him；　because　he　harried
her　and　wanted　to　destroy　her。

She　had　her　moments　of　exaltation　still；　rebirths　of　old
exaltations。　As　she　sat　by　her　bedroom　window；　watching　the
steady　rain；　her　spirit　was　somewhere　far　off。

She　sat　in　pride　and　curious　pleasure。　When　there　was　no　one
to　exult　with；　and　the　unsatisfied　soul　must　dance　and　play；
then　one　danced　before　the　Unknown。

Suddenly　she　realized　that　this　was　what　she　wanted　to　do。
Big　with　child　as　she　was；　she　danced　there　in　the　bedroom　by
herself；　lifting　her　hands　and　her　body　to　the　Unseen；　to　the
unseen　Creator　who　had　chosen　her；　to　Whom　she　belonged。

She　would　not　have　had　anyone　know。　She　danced　in　secret；　and
her　soul　rose　in　bliss。　She　danced　in　secret　before　the　Creator；
she　took　off　her　clothes　and　danced　in　the　pride　of　her
bigness。

It　surprised　her；　when　it　was　over。　She　was　shrinking　and
afraid。　To　what　was　she　now　exposed？　She　half　wanted　to　tell　her
husband。　Yet　she　shrank　from　him。

All　the　time　she　ran　on　by　herself。　She　liked　the　story　of
David；　who　danced　before　the　Lord；　and　uncovered　himself
exultingly。　Why　should　he　uncover　himself　to　Michal；　a　mon
woman？　He　uncovered　himself　to　the　Lord。

〃Thou　est　to　me　with　a　sword　and　a　spear　and　a　shield；　but
I　e　to　thee　in　the　name　of　the　Lord：for　the　battle　is
the　Lord's；　and　he　will　give　you　into　our　hands。〃

Her　heart　rang　to　the　words。　She　walked　in　her　pride。　And　her
battle　was　her　own　Lord's；　her　husband　was　delivered　over。

In　these　days　she　was　oblivious　of　him。　Who　was　he；　to　e
against　her？　No；　he　was　not　even　the　Philistine；　the　Giant。　He
was　like　Saul　proclaiming　his　own　kingship。　She　laughed　in　her
heart。　Who　was　he；　proclaiming　his　kingship？　She　laughed　in　her
heart　with　pride。

And　she　had　to　dance　in　exultation　beyond　him。　Because　he　was
in　the　house；　she　had　to　dance　before　her　Creator　in　exemption
from　the　man。　On　a　Saturday　afternoon；　when　she　had　a　fire　in
the　bedroom；　again　she　took　off　her　things　and　danced；　lifting
her　knees　and　her　hands　in　a　slow；　rhythmic　exulting。　He　was　in
the　house；　so　her　pride　was　fiercer。　She　would　dance　his
nullification；　she　would　dance　to　her　unseen　Lord。　She　was
exalted　over　him；　before　the　Lord。

She　heard　him　ing　up　the　stairs；　and　she　flinched。　She
stood　with　the　firelight　on　her　ankles　and　feet；　naked　in　the
shadowy；　late　afternoon；　fastening　up　her　hair。　He　was　startled。
He　stood　in　the　doorway；　his　brows　black　and　lowering。

〃What　are　you　doing？〃　he　said；　gratingly。　〃You'll　catch　a
cold。〃

And　she　lifted　her　hands　and　danced　again；　to　annul　him；　the
light　glanced　on　her　knees　as　she　made　her　slow；　fine　movements
down　the　far　side　of　the　room；　across　the　firelight。　He　stood
away　near　the　door　in　blackness　of　shadow；　watching；　transfixed。
And　with　slow；　heavy　movements　she　swayed　backwards　and
forwards；　like　a　full　ear　of　corn；　pale　in　the　dusky　afternoon；
threading　before　the　firelight；　dancing　his　nonexistence；
dancing　herself　to　the　Lord；　to　exultation。

He　watched；　and　his　soul　burned　in　him。　He　turned　aside；　he
could　not　look；　it　hurt　his　eyes。　Her　fine　limbs　lifted　and
lifted；　her　hair　was　sticking　out　all　fierce；　and　her　belly；
big；　strange；　terrifying；　uplifted　to　the　Lord。　Her　face　was
rapt　and　beautiful；　she　danced　exulting　before　her　Lord；　and
knew　no　man。

It　hurt　him　as　he　watched　as　if　he　were　at　the　stake。　He　felt
he　was　being　burned　alive。　The　strangeness；　the　power　of　her　in
her　dancing　consumed　him；　he　was　burned；　he　could　not　grasp；　he
could　not　understand。　He　waited　obliterated。　Then　his　eyes
became　blind　to　her；　he　saw　her　no　more。　And　through　the
unseeing　veil　between　them　he　called　to　her；　in　his　jarring
voice：

〃What　are　you　doing　that　for？〃

〃Go　away；〃　she　said。　〃Let　me　dance　by　myself。〃

〃That　isn't　dancing；〃　he　said　harshly。　〃What　do　you　want　to
do　that　for？〃

〃I　don't　do　it　for　you；〃　she　said。　〃You　go　away。〃

Her　strange；　lifted　belly；　big　with　his　child！　Had　he　no
right　to　be　there？　He　felt　his　presence　a　violation。　Yet　he　had
his　right　to　be　there。　He　went　and　sat　on　the　bed。

She　stopped　dancing；　and　confronted　him；　again　lifting　her
slim　arms　and　twisting　at　her　hair。　Her　nakedness　hurt　her；
opposed　to　him。

〃I　can　do　as　I　like　in　my　bedroom；〃　she　cried。　〃Why　do　you
interfere　with　me？〃

And　she　slipped　on　a　dressinggown　and　crouched　before　the
fire。　He　was　more　at　ease　now　she　was　covered　up。　The　vision　of
her　tormented　him　all　the　days　of　his　life；　as　she　had　been
then；　a　strange；　exalted　thing　having　no　relation　to
himself。

After　this　day；　the　door　seemed　to　shut　on　his　mind。　His　brow
shut　and　became　impervious。　His　eyes　ceased　to　see；　his　hands
were　suspended。　Within　himself　his　will　was　coiled　like　a　beast；
hidden　under　the　darkness；　but　always　potent；　working。

At　first　she　went　on　blithely　enough　with　him　shut　down
beside　her。　But　then　his　spell　began　to　take　hold　of　her。　The
dark；　seething　potency　of　him；　the　power　of　a　creature　that　lies
hidden　and　exerts　its　will　to　the　destruction　of　the
freerunning　creature；　as　the　tiger　lying　in　the　darkness　of　the
leaves　steadily　enforces　the　fall　and　death　of　the　light
creatures　that　drink　by　the　waterside　in　the　morning；　gradually
began　to　take　effect　on　her。　Though　he　lay　there　in　his　darkness
and　did　not　move；　yet　she　knew　he　lay　waiting　for　her。　She　felt
his　will　fastening　on　her　and　pulling　her　down；　even　whilst　he
was　silent　and　obscure。

She　found　that；　in　all　her　outgoings　and　her　inings；　he
prevented　her。　Gradually　she　realized　that　she　was　being　borne
down　by　him；　borne　down　by　the　clinging；　heavy　weight　of　him；
that　he　was　pulling　her　down　as　a　leopard　clings　to　a　wild　cow
and　exhausts　her　and　pulls　her　down。

Gradually　she　realized　that　her　life；　her　freedom；　was
sinking　under　the　silent　grip　of　his　physical　will。　He　wanted
her　in　his　power。　He　wanted　to　devour　her　at　leisure；　to　have
her。　At　length　she　realized　that　her　sleep　was　a　long　ache　and　a
weariness　and　exhaustion；　because　of　his　will　fastened　upon　her；
as　he　lay　there　beside　her；　during　the　night。

She　realized　it　all；　and　there　came　a　momentous　pause；　a
pause　in　her　swift　running；　a　moment's　suspension　in　her　life；
when　she　was　lost。

Then　she　turned　fiercely　on　him；　and　fought　him。　He　was　not
to　do　this　to　her；　it　was　monstrous。　What　horrible　hold　did　he
want　to　have　over　her　body？　Why　did　he　want　to　drag　her　down；
and　kill　her　spirit？　Why　did　he　want　to　deny　her　spirit？　Why　did
he　deny　her　spirituality；　hold　her　for　a　body　only？　And　was　he
to　claim　her　carcase？

Some　vast；　hideous　darkness　he　seemed　to　represent　to
her。

〃What　do　you　do　to　me？〃　she　cried。　〃What　beastly　thing　do　you
do　to　me？　You　put　a　horrible　pressure　on　my　head；　you　don't　let
me　sleep；　you　don't　let　me　live。　Every　moment　of　your　life　you
are　doing　something　to　me；　something　horrible；　that　destroys　me。
There　is　something　horrible　in　you；　something　dark　and　beastly
in　your　will。　What　do　you　want　of　me？　What　do　you　want　to　do　to
me？〃

All　the　blood　in　his　body　went　black　and　powerful　and
corrosive　as　he　heard　her。　Black　and　blind　with　hatred　of　her　he
was。　He　was　in　a　very　black　hel